Family Court Evaluation Options

[blackshadow]

Hi Ed! The next step to the case is the evaluation part. I look forward to your help as it is very good advice. I am in the process of modifying a custody order due to my ex wanting to relocate. I've objected to relocation,filed for a modification of custody,restraining order preventing ex to remove daughter from the state.

Look forward to your info. Thanks again ed!

[Ed]

Once an evaluation has been ordered there are two different ways you get access to an evaluator. One way is to use the court evaluator. The other way is to hire a court certified private evaluator. Because of the oversight of a supervisor and the court regulation I hands down recommend the court appointed evaluator.

When you meet with the evaluator arrive 15-30 minutes early. You need to impress that this is important to you.

Here is a list of information you may be required to supply. This list may not be exactly the same but it gives you an idea of what to prepare for.

* Custody Investigation Questionnaire
* 3 references (non-relative) forms for people who have knowledge of me as a parent and who have observed my parenting skills
* An autobiography of yourself
* A psychological test (Do your best with it)
* Form to give social services a complete check on child protective services central registry
* Criminal record search/sex offender search
* If you or anyone in your home has had any prior counseling or therapy, they ask for a release to be signed giving the agency permission to request a summary of the work that was done.
* A packet to provide to the school for information on the child in regards to grades, attendance, behavior, and disposition completed by the teacher.
* A financial form to determine how much it will cost based on family size and gross income
* The court order for evaluation.

In the questionnaire you will be asked to describe your child (in writing). This is a test of sorts. This helps the evaluator to understand how well you know your child. Do not describe your child physically, or just physically. Describe their personality, their likes, dislikes, fears, hobbies, favorite bedtime stories, favorite sports etc. Paint a picture of the child you know. If you need more space use another page.

After the evaluation is complete, it takes a couple of months, they will submit the report to the court. Generally within 60 days.

When you talk about your case, mention what your concerns are. The moving away, the military moving lifestyle, loss of family, loss of a sister, etc.

You will want any documentation that you may have that supports mother not being supportive of the relationship. This information will be shared with the ex per the rules of evidence. I highly recommend throwing in the things that set her off. This makes her do the same thing she did in court. She talks of irrelevant issues instead of the focal point of your motion. Yes, this is a tactic but if she hadn't been so bent on destroying the relationship so many times, you wouldn't be able to use it, would you? :-) She needs to be careful what she says and does because it could be used against her.

This is what I call "the flip".

What you want to do is present your evidence and use the issues that set her off simply as examples of issues that she creates and fumes over. I would spend as little time as possible, even just pointing to a stack of paper and stating that they are examples of what you are asked to deal with by mother. But just like in court, you point out that this isn't relevant to your motion and move on. The ex will be left to explain things that have no bearing on your case.

That's my brain dump for now. What else can I answer for you?

Ed...

[nowwhat]

I would add:

Do as much of the work as you can. We had many binders filled with emails going back 4 years. We presented 3 "big" issues, some with 50 or more emails on each topic. To make life easier I created summaries of what happened, flagged the nasty emails, used sticky-pointer type flags to highlight specific comments. We also included medium and small issues to show that all issues are 'major.' On smaller issues I summarized the emails.

I created calendars to show where the child was on medication and she continued to keep him out of school.

We are dealing with someone with an undiagnosed personality disorder and an alcohol dependancy. We knew this going in, but didn't offer any conclusions on what we thought was wrong with her or used any of the terms that we encountered in our research (ie. we said that "she often accuses us of things she is guilty of" instead of "she projects her behavior onto us").

We got a 35 page report that says she shouldn't have anymore access to the child than 1 2-4 hour visit per week, the father should have sole custody and the mother lies.

Do your homework and make your case!

As for the testing, approach it honestly. Watch for "always" and "never" statements. One was true or false: I always pay my bills on time. We (my husband and I) answered false. My husband's ex answered true and it showed up in the report as her not being able to admit simple faults about herself.

My last tip is to remember that you aren't bashing your ex if it is true. Don't hide the truth, even if it is embarrassing to tell.

[blackshadow]

I had my daughter today for the first time since court last week. It was so nice to see her and spend some time with her as well she was very happy today. I haven't seen my daughter this happy in a long time she tries to be happy when I have her but something seems to get in the way. About an hour ago she text me and told me "thanks for ruining my life", "I hate you" I'm so hurt right now I don't know what to do. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif) I called her and she was just letting me have it telling me that all that I'm trying to do is take her away from her mom and she hates me for it. What do I do? She wants me to talk to her about court and I refuse by telling her "honey I'm not going to tell you about court because you should know nothing about it." It is between your mom and I and I love you very much and so does your mother. "I want nothing but for you to be happy" (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)

[nowwhat]

Get yourself a copy of Divorce Poison. It sounds as if your d is being put square in the middle.

I'm sorry, I know how bad it hurts.

[Ed]

I'm sure if you consider your elation about how well court went for you last week and then invert that emotion to the depths that her mother must have felt after being reamed about everything she did that day that you can appreciate how hurt her mother must have been. Now factor in that your daughter spent a week with her mother filling her head with all of the ugliness about how bad her life will be.

Of course she's hurt. One of her parents is moving and there are no good answers.

The good news is that you have built a great relationship with your daughter. You have built trust that is based on security. Her security is now threatened and you know that mother is not helping the situation.

I can tell you from personal experience that this will pass. It may take 3, 6, or 12 months, but it will pass. Why am I confident of that? Because your relationship with her is built on her feeling secure with you and I know you will do everything in your power to see she remains secure.

Most orders require that you not discuss court matters with your child. I personally believe that you can talk to them about court without violating the spirit of the order. In this case she knows there is was an order issued that keeps mother from taking her with her. Why not explain that you and her mother disagreed on how to handle the issue of their child being forced to leave one of you, so you asked the court for help. This doesn't paint either of you in a bad light and doesn't tell her anything about how the arguments were made (court matters). I would also tell her the issue isn't settled and the matter is going to be presented to an evaluator. Explain who the evaluator is and what they do. Also tell her that she will get to talk to them and tell them what she wants.

I don't believe any of this violates any order because it is all information that will prepare her when she talks to the evaluator. So consider opening up and letting he know how difficult it is for all of you. This should make her feel empowered and show her that you are focused on making her life as secure as you can.

Last, don't worry that she will tell the evaluator that she wants to go with mom. You will tell this story to the evaluator and they will interview mom and come to the conclusion that mother has attempted to recruit your daughter. Also, it is perfectly natural for children to want to protect a hurting parent. In her eyes, her mother has told her that you hurt her and she believes it. This isn't healthy and everyone who counts will know what has happened.

Let me know if you need anything.

Ed...

[blackshadow]

Thanks ed for all your kind words and help through this hurtful time. I do understand how mom must feel but she should not being brainwashing our daughter. I cannot understand why mom would be wanting to our hurt daughter. I am sick and tired of her trying to damage my relationship with daughter. I'm afraid that she is gonna tear our daughter away from me and daughter not wanting anything to do with me.

I am going to get our daughter and I into counseling ASAP and hopefully try to stop all this negative behavior before it gets worse. What will the courts think about counseling? Will they think that just because we are in the middle of a batlle I'm trying to look like the better parent? I hope not I'm wanting to keep my relationship with our daughter healthy.

I did try to talk to daughter about her mom and I disagreeing about the move and the courts we here to help her mom and I come to an agreement. She replies with that''s not what my mom told me and you are being mean to my mom. Because you hate stepdad. I do hate stepdad but I have never ever told daughter that I do. Now on the other hand it's the opposite. I did tell her today that she would be able to talk to the evaluator " Good I'm gonna tell them I want to stay with my mom and I want to move".

I just pray that the evaluator will see right through mom. I beleive this is a start of a case of Parental Alienation. If something is not done soon this could be a severe case of PA.

[Ed]

Counseling is a GREAT move. What will the courts think? They will think the same thing you think. You can't go wrong with counseling.

I can tell you without ever speaking to your daughter that mother has lied to her about court and made you out as the bay guy. I can assure you I KNOW this is true. How? Your daughter said so.

You see, when you told her the truth, she replied with "that's not what mom told me". The evaluator will know too. How? You'll set them up with it. Mother has already sealed her fate. You will have to do a bit of eye and hand coordination to help the evaluator connect the dots, but you can put them real close together so they can see the big picture.

Back to your daughter. Do not lie to her or keep her in the dark. I'm telling you I have been through this before. She already knows you're telling the truth. In time she will accept that you always have been truthful and will acknowledge such.

As far as you hating her stepfather, you need to reply to any hate comments with "no, I love you". You know that statement is true. Compared to her, mother and stepfather are insignificant. It isn't about them. It's about her.

I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that this event will be significant in your daughters life. I mean this in the sense of how she relates to men as she grows up and becomes an adult. If you remain completly truthful and loving in the face of her anger and hurt, she will learn how a man treats the women he loves. After you come out the other side of this is when she will learn the lesson.

In the mean time help her to see that even though she disagrees with you, that just like her mother and you disagreeing and needing help to resolve it, she is also being involved in the process, just like her mother. Why? Because this is the way grown-ups show respect for each other and resolve issues when they can't agree. They ask for help. Someone who will listen to both and then do what's right. They don't blame each other.

Hang in there my friend. This will be your roughest period but it will get better form here. I promise.

I'm here if you need me.

Ed...

[blackshadow]

Thanks again Ed for the kind words! So today is a new day and daughter emailed me telling me she LOVES me very much and she is so SORRY about texting me those hurtful things. She said her mom told her to do it. I totally believe it because she is out for DESTRUCTION! Daughter also said that she was trying to keep mom and everone happy. Should I show the evaluator these texts and emails?

"I will get through this even if it kills me" Thanks again

[Ed]

You absolutely show the evaluator this information. But here is how you do it smartly.

The WORST thing you can do in evaluation is be overly emotional or angry about the ex's behavior. This can be perceived in the worst way. The best way is to be a concerned parent advocating for your child.

In this case (as in most) you are attempting to state simply that you are the parent how is acting in the best interest of the child. A skilled evaluator will look at these texts and begin asking questions to mom and your daughter. This is the "dot" thing I was talking about before. Those dots are plenty close for the evaluator to follow.

Now, what I was talking about in my previous email was the relationship with your daughter and how you are modeling behavior that will change her life. Feel free to use that in evaluation too (if you're comfortable with it). I firmly believe that your daughter will cling to you like never before and will never let a man close to her that doesn't measure up to her father. Your goal as a father is to get her to adulthood as a happy, healthy, and productive young woman.

Now imagine that you lay that out to the evaluator and then they talk to mother who is angry and bitter at you for "what you did to her".

Who would you side with?

Last... Keep in mind that any evidence you present to the evaluator must also be presented to mother. So make sure you send the evidence you plan to use, and some extra to keep her off guard and guessing about what you would say about it. Of course you're going to say to the evaluator, "these are examples of the petty things she complains about" or something similar. You don't even need to talk about them. But... it gives her something else to think about.

I'm here if you need me.

Ed...

[blackshadow]

Well!!! Well!! Well!!! So today my wife was surfing Myspace and came across my daughter. This is a absolutely No! No! It is court ordered that daughter is not to have a myspace account. What should I do? A) File contempt????, (IMG:style_emoticons/default/cool.gif) Wait till we go back to court and then address it???????. Daughter is posing as a 20 yr. old. Not good at all!! Ex wife I guess will never learn.

By the way Ed I will respond to the other two posts soon. Just got alot on my mind right now. As you already know (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

Thanks again!!

[Ed]

There is no requirement for you to reply at all much less in a timely manner :-).

When it comes to MySpace, I suggest you give your ex the benefit of the doubt. After all she can claim she didn't know and it can make you look badly.

I suggest you send an email telling the ex you have discovered a myspace account for your daughter and that you expect that both of you will address this with your daughter and have her remove the account. Wait and see what the response is before taking action.

Then when you have your daughter you will do what father's do. Tell her you are disappointed that she didn't follow the rules. You see, even if her mother OKed it, it still doesn't make it right or a good idea. This is a safety issue that children simply don't understand. Your primary responsibility is to keep your child safe.

This is another issue you can address in counseling.

Hang in there. Remember this isn't a sprint it's a journey.

Ed...

[blackshadow]

Hi Ed!

I just received a letter in the mail stating when my ex and I go for the initial interview for the evaluation. I have a problem ????? My family and I leave for vacation this saturday for a week and the evaluation is to be done next week. I called the evaluator and left a message stating that my family would be on vacation in hopes that this can be rescheduled. I have not heard back from her. What should I do?

[Ed]

That brings back memories. My wife and I had to stop on our first day of vacation years ago to make an evaluator appointment. We turned it into a "Vacation Adventure".

If you just got the letter today then I would leave one messade each day until you get a reply. I suspect you will have no issue rescheduling.

Ed...

[blackshadow]

Today I finally reached the evaluator she was understanding that my trip has already been paid for and had no problem rescheduling. Just like you suspected. My daughter isn't going on vacation with my wife and I. Ex has done a good job of ruining a vacation full of fun!!!

Thanks for all the help.

[Ed]

Well now you can talk to the evaluator about that too. Have a great vacation and try to unwind.

Let us know you're alive when you get back.

Ed...