High Conflict Child Custody - Helping Your Child Understand What is Happening

When parents split up and the very fabric of family life changes, children can be very concerned and upset by their lives being turned upside down. How much do you children know, and what should you tell them?

Children have a way of taking blame for the bad things that happen in their families. They may perceive that fighting, anger, and parents moving out of the house are somehow the product of their actions. They convince themselves that if only they had been better, gotten better grades, been more helpful around the house or somehow made a difference that their family problems would not have happened. This is not the kind of burden we want our children to take on.

The first rule is that you must be truthful with your children. They are very smart and will figure out much of what is going on but may fill in the blanks with bits of information that are inaccurate and far worse than the truth. Start by reassuring them that what is happening is not their fault. Next be truthful in sharing with them that their parents are having trouble getting along and are going to make changes to make things better for them.

The second rule is don't go into detail and don't assign blame. No matter how angry or hurt you are, do not share your feelings of blame with your children. All the blame in the world will not make your child feel better, it will only pile on to the insecurity of their once secure world. This rule will serve you well when it comes to working through custody as well. Parents in conflict who cannot let go of the conflict or allow their children to be inside it will not do well in the custody area.

If your children are required to talk to a court appointed mediator prepare them for it. Don't tell them what to say, but encourage them to be honest and tell their concerns to the mediator. Inform them that their conversation is confidential and will not be shared with anyone. Attempting to coerce a child to tell the court what you want them too can have dire consequences for you. Mediators are well trained professionals who do a great job at helping families sort through problems and work out plans.

Age plays a lot in how much you tell your child and how you talk to them. Young children need a much watered down version, while teenagers can handle a lot more of the details. No matter how young, old, mature, immature, male or female, remember that divorce and separation are difficult on the children too. They need all the help you can give them.